Attention (Dark) Characters of Lantern Hollow Press

Dear dark characters of Lantern Hollow Press,

This is a an official notice to inform you that the call for one Renard Breen's apprehension has been answered, and that the information-gathering phase of the operation has begun. While I do not condone the behavior of those of you here in the Dark Characters blog, it seems that Breen has been causing mischief in your worlds as well, and so I humbly as that you contact me (by commenting on this post) with any information deemed useful and appropriate for the capture of this menace. I will relay this information to the contractor, and therefore protect his identity. Please respond with information including but not limited to:

-perceived weaknesses or allergies

-patterns of behavior (if any)

-notable abilities and/or powers

-(for you magic-users out there) forms of magic capable of detaining and/or detecting the target

-last known whereabouts

Thank you for cooperating in this important endeavor.

-erikthereddest

What the &$^# was that?!

I caught him, I got Renard Breen. The little &@$%@#& showed up and tried to disrupt a ritual I was casting. Tipped over the candles which were containing all the energies and then set loose the goats for the sacrifice. That just annoyed me, then I thought the little $*&# should pay.

I hunted him down and bagged him, used a tracking spell I haven't needed in a few decades (thanks to computers) to track him down then bagged him with a couple illusions and a body bag...heh...body bags are so useful. Anyway, after I bagged the annoyance I figured, why not use him as a sacrifice, for something useful. So I lugged him back to my ritual cabin and set up a spell I've been meaning to work for a while now.

Anyway, that didn't work out so well 'cause the little &#^$ slipped it somehow, I opened up the bag and it was some leprechaun in a black tux and a top hat. He blasted me with something I've never seen before and then took off. If I ever see Renard Breen again I'm just gonna turn his head into chowder.

Renard Breen must not be allowed to reproduce.

I am Korluus, the Emerging, the Keeper of Relois.

I was conducting further experiments in the improvement of the cardio-pulmonary system through synthetic augmentation of the lungs and heart by injected fiber reinforcement. I was endeavoring to discover whether or not there was a significant difference in the survival rates of subjects undergoing the treatment (involving the direct injection of a heated liquid fiber compound into the lining of the lungs and heart) who have been allowed limited pain relief and those who are allowed no pain relief at all.

While so engaged, I received an urgent notice on my monitor. When I answered, I heard nothing more than labored breathing and therefore disconnected the line. The monitor almost immediately notified me of another call. An unfamiliar voice asked me if something called a "refrigerator" was running. I presumed that this referred to my cooling unit and therefore I replied that it seemed to be operating within acceptable limits. This person replied that if that was so then I should "catch it," and then disconnected the line. Before I had even pierced the next subject's sternum with the needle, my monitor called again. This time the same voice asked if I "had Prince Albert in a can." Upon accessing my records, I found that in point of fact an "Albert" had been killed by the plague in the first wave of deaths, but that his remains had been dissected and disposed of several solar shifts later. I discussed this fact with the caller and described the dismemberment process slowly and in great detail to him; he seemed to be at a loss for words and did not interrupt me again.

Apparently, my caller was this "Renard Breen" creature. I have sent my Arc Priests on a full sweep of the surrounding territory with orders to detain and sterilize him before he can do any damage to the genetic pool.

Also, I found that the endorphins produced by the pain response aid in proper bonding. I have therefore ceased to use anesthetic in this procedure. I do find the screaming to be distracting.

I am Korluus, the Emerging, the Keeper of Relois.

Reward: 50 Gs for Renard Breen, Preferably Dead (but Alive is Okay)

That dirty rat Renard Breen's gone too far this time! That guy's gotten on my last nerve; I'm offering a reward of fifty Gs to the first guy (or dame, I ain't picky) who shoots the miserable louse. Or you can bring him to me and I'll have the pleasure myself.

What did he do, you ask? Well, first the creep magically changes all the hooch in my best speakeasy into old dishwater mixed with iodine. I wouldn't mind so much if it'd been the joint down in the working class part of town; the customers there ain't the kind likely to notice the difference, if you get me. But that dirty, double-crossing rat picked my classiest joint! The customers there ain't the sort accustomed to bad recipes; I lost more dough last night than I lost the last time the bulls pulled a raid and shut me down for week.

And if that don't slay you, listen to the other gup that Breen pulled: He unfixed all the fixed races I had going at the track. Imagine my touts, building up for a real sweet set-up, only to have all the wrong horses come in first! I lost over a hundred Gs! That &$^#$ Breen!

If you so much as see that piker, get in touch with me or one of the boys. If you catch him or shoot him, that's fifty Gs for you. And that's on the level; I ain't just flapping my gums.

URGENT!

Attention all dark and/or evil characters:

I'm not certain how, but Renard Breen has escaped from his story and has gone rogue. I have no idea where he's gotten to, but this is very bad.

Renard is not evil or malicious (like the majority of you), but he is a piskie, and is not to be trusted. He enjoys pulling pranks, creating chaotic situations, and just messing up people's lives in small or large annoying ways. He has no respect or fear of evil, so I would not put it past him to mess around with any plans you may have in the works.

Renard is about five foot six, has a slender physique, and appears to be between his mid-twenties to mid-thirties (actually, he's much older, but piskies hide their age well for the first hundred years or so). He has short reddish-brown hair and bright, amber-colored eyes. He is usually very jovial.

If you see Renard, approach him with caution. He's not dangerous, as I said before, but he is very quick and spry, not to mention creative and intelligent. He has a particular fondness for cream, so if you were to offer him a bowl of it, he might let his guard down enough to be caught. Renard is afraid of cats, so you might also be able to use that to your advantage. I do ask that you not hurt him, as I do need him in his series of stories.

Please help me catch Renard quickly! He's too much of a troublemaker to be allowed to remain on the loose.

Oh, and if Mal DaPone reads this: Please, please don't kill Renard. I know you have good reason to hate him, but to be fair, he has actually been of use to you in the past. Is it really fair to bear a grudge just because of a few little/medium/large pranks he's pulled on you?