Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Joys of New Friends

So, I was trying to get Atticus to join the dark blog, but he's being a jerk and won't. So, I had one of my little minions kidnap a decent kid who works for him and torture him until he wrote a brief biography. I'll get around to making him join eventually but this was more fun for the moment. Anyway, here's what he wrote. You know, I thought this blogging thing might be boring, but it's actually pretty fun.

So a friend of mine asked me to post on this blog...well...not really a friend...more like a crazy schizo who threatened to kill me if I didn't. He name is Finnias and I think he posts here. He knows my teacher, Carlos...he's a vampire, and now, uh, well here I am. I guess I should probably introduce myself.

Ok, so, my name is Ivan Arkanov, my grandparents were Russian...I'm not Russian, I grew up in New England, but my grandparents were Russian. My dad moved us down to Virgina when I was sixteen and I went to college at UVA, well...I started college at UVA...then I failed out and wound up at a community college. It's not that I'm not smart...more that I just didn't care. Anyway college never was gonna do me much good, I've picked a somewhat...non-traditional career path. I'm a necromancer.

Well, not really a necromancer, technically Carlos says I'm a Mors Sagire which translates to something like 'Seeker of Death' which is crap because I'm not seeking death at all, just the opposite, I want eternal life. My parents are baptists...we don't really talk anymore. Anyway, I'm a necromancer for the moment no matter what Carlos says, Carlos is a vampire who happens to know a good bit of magic, he's teaching me right now. I don't know how he knows Finnias but he does and apparently posting on this blog is part of the price for my lessons. That, some general grunt work, and regular blood donations. Don't worry, I don't let Carlos bite me, I'm not stupid, I draw the blood myself and bring it in mason jars.

Now I know what you all are thinking, why isn't this guy on the bad guy's blog, posting with all the villains and plotting to take over the world?

Well, I'm not on the bad guys blog because I'm not a bad guy, I just don't want to die. No plans for world conquest here, none whatsoever. Right now I pay for my life by hiring myself out as a necromancer, someone what's to say goodbye to poor uncle Dave, or talk to dear old daddy again and they come to me. I'll raise their spirits for a nominal fee...ok, a substantial fee, and give you time to say your whatevers. Most of my business is skeptical old ladies who want to see if I can really do what I say I can and grief stricken spouses.

Sometimes someone more interesting shoots me an email, I had this one guy who wanted me to raise his father's spirit so he could tell the guy off for being a drunk. Paid me three grand to do it...hey, don't ask me, it was good money for easy work. I had another lady who wanted to find out where her great aunt stashed her jewelry before she died. That was a pretty hilarious conversation...nothing quite like a ghost who's pretending to still be senile.

Anyway, I guess that's me in a nutshell, not-Russian Russian, grew up baptist and now firmly agnostic, college dropout, necromancer, and entrepreneur. I'm kinda-sorta dating this girl that works at Walmart, she's really cute and sweet as anything. She hired me to raise her mom so they could say goodbye and it kind of just...took off from there.

So, Patty, if you read this I mentioned you, you're great and I can't wait until we go out again.

Heh, heheh, this is Finnias again. I just read this, Carlos emailed it to me, I'm going to have to find out who this Patty is. Sounds like she could be a lot of fun.

3 comments:

  1. Finnias, I moved this over to the villain's blog. Your not allowed to post on the other blog. Not now, not ever. I don't know how you got access to it but don't do it again.

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  2. Oh, poor Finnias. Denied his childish moment of limelight.

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  3. This kid could turn out okay- he seems to have a good mercenary attitude and he's clever. But this whole "feeding the vampire" thing needs to stop.

    Kid, if you're reading this, remember that vampires are the lowlife parasitical undead. You either use them or kill them. Don't feed them your own blood.

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