Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Attention (Dark) Characters of Lantern Hollow Press

Dear dark characters of Lantern Hollow Press,

This is a an official notice to inform you that the call for one Renard Breen's apprehension has been answered, and that the information-gathering phase of the operation has begun. While I do not condone the behavior of those of you here in the Dark Characters blog, it seems that Breen has been causing mischief in your worlds as well, and so I humbly as that you contact me (by commenting on this post) with any information deemed useful and appropriate for the capture of this menace. I will relay this information to the contractor, and therefore protect his identity. Please respond with information including but not limited to:

-perceived weaknesses or allergies
-patterns of behavior (if any)
-notable abilities and/or powers
-(for you magic-users out there) forms of magic capable of detaining and/or detecting the target
-last known whereabouts

Thank you for cooperating in this important endeavor.
-erikthereddest

Friday, November 12, 2010

What the &$^# was that?!

I caught him, I got Renard Breen. The little &@$%@#& showed up and tried to disrupt a ritual I was casting. Tipped over the candles which were containing all the energies and then set loose the goats for the sacrifice. That just annoyed me, then I thought the little $*&# should pay.

I hunted him down and bagged him, used a tracking spell I haven't needed in a few decades (thanks to computers) to track him down then bagged him with a couple illusions and a body bag...heh...body bags are so useful. Anyway, after I bagged the annoyance I figured, why not use him as a sacrifice, for something useful. So I lugged him back to my ritual cabin and set up a spell I've been meaning to work for a while now.

Anyway, that didn't work out so well 'cause the little &#^$ slipped it somehow, I opened up the bag and it was some leprechaun in a black tux and a top hat. He blasted me with something I've never seen before and then took off. If I ever see Renard Breen again I'm just gonna turn his head into chowder.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Renard Breen must not be allowed to reproduce.


I am Korluus, the Emerging, the Keeper of Relois.

I was conducting further experiments in the improvement of the cardio-pulmonary system through synthetic augmentation of the lungs and heart by injected fiber reinforcement. I was endeavoring to discover whether or not there was a significant difference in the survival rates of subjects undergoing the treatment (involving the direct injection of a heated liquid fiber compound into the lining of the lungs and heart) who have been allowed limited pain relief and those who are allowed no pain relief at all.

While so engaged, I received an urgent notice on my monitor. When I answered, I heard nothing more than labored breathing and therefore disconnected the line. The monitor almost immediately notified me of another call. An unfamiliar voice asked me if something called a "refrigerator" was running. I presumed that this referred to my cooling unit and therefore I replied that it seemed to be operating within acceptable limits. This person replied that if that was so then I should "catch it," and then disconnected the line. Before I had even pierced the next subject's sternum with the needle, my monitor called again. This time the same voice asked if I "had Prince Albert in a can." Upon accessing my records, I found that in point of fact an "Albert" had been killed by the plague in the first wave of deaths, but that his remains had been dissected and disposed of several solar shifts later. I discussed this fact with the caller and described the dismemberment process slowly and in great detail to him; he seemed to be at a loss for words and did not interrupt me again.

Apparently, my caller was this "Renard Breen" creature. I have sent my Arc Priests on a full sweep of the surrounding territory with orders to detain and sterilize him before he can do any damage to the genetic pool.

Also, I found that the endorphins produced by the pain response aid in proper bonding. I have therefore ceased to use anesthetic in this procedure. I do find the screaming to be distracting.

I am Korluus, the Emerging, the Keeper of Relois.

Reward: 50 Gs for Renard Breen, Preferably Dead (but Alive is Okay)

That dirty rat Renard Breen's gone too far this time! That guy's gotten on my last nerve; I'm offering a reward of fifty Gs to the first guy (or dame, I ain't picky) who shoots the miserable louse. Or you can bring him to me and I'll have the pleasure myself.

What did he do, you ask? Well, first the creep magically changes all the hooch in my best speakeasy into old dishwater mixed with iodine. I wouldn't mind so much if it'd been the joint down in the working class part of town; the customers there ain't the kind likely to notice the difference, if you get me. But that dirty, double-crossing rat picked my classiest joint! The customers there ain't the sort accustomed to bad recipes; I lost more dough last night than I lost the last time the bulls pulled a raid and shut me down for week.

And if that don't slay you, listen to the other gup that Breen pulled: He unfixed all the fixed races I had going at the track. Imagine my touts, building up for a real sweet set-up, only to have all the wrong horses come in first! I lost over a hundred Gs! That &$^#$ Breen!

If you so much as see that piker, get in touch with me or one of the boys. If you catch him or shoot him, that's fifty Gs for you. And that's on the level; I ain't just flapping my gums.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

URGENT!

Attention all dark and/or evil characters:

I'm not certain how, but Renard Breen has escaped from his story and has gone rogue. I have no idea where he's gotten to, but this is very bad.

Renard is not evil or malicious (like the majority of you), but he is a piskie, and is not to be trusted. He enjoys pulling pranks, creating chaotic situations, and just messing up people's lives in small or large annoying ways. He has no respect or fear of evil, so I would not put it past him to mess around with any plans you may have in the works.

Renard is about five foot six, has a slender physique, and appears to be between his mid-twenties to mid-thirties (actually, he's much older, but piskies hide their age well for the first hundred years or so). He has short reddish-brown hair and bright, amber-colored eyes. He is usually very jovial.

If you see Renard, approach him with caution. He's not dangerous, as I said before, but he is very quick and spry, not to mention creative and intelligent. He has a particular fondness for cream, so if you were to offer him a bowl of it, he might let his guard down enough to be caught. Renard is afraid of cats, so you might also be able to use that to your advantage. I do ask that you not hurt him, as I do need him in his series of stories.

Please help me catch Renard quickly! He's too much of a troublemaker to be allowed to remain on the loose.

Oh, and if Mal DaPone reads this: Please, please don't kill Renard. I know you have good reason to hate him, but to be fair, he has actually been of use to you in the past. Is it really fair to bear a grudge just because of a few little/medium/large pranks he's pulled on you?

Sunday, October 31, 2010

A Meeting With The King

An "OLAF" creature has asked that I post something to this group. I have agreed, but I shall enjoy the subsequent dissection process all the more because of it. I doubt, though, that I will find much of use inside him to further my pursuit of perfection.

He seems to be quite the idiot.

I am Korluus, the Emerging, the Keeper of Relois

A Meeting With The King

The priest king Horash, Horash the undying, the ever-wakeful king; Seshmut considered the many names of his lord as he sat in the comfortable antechamber, it's softly luxurious divans arrayed along one wall facing a beautifully carved mural. The room smelled of sweet spices and scented oils, probably burning in the ensconced torches that lined the walls and, though it was silent, Seshmut imagined he could hear the ghost of distant music softly played.

Seshmut was a mere two hundred years old, far too young to be meeting the ancient lord of the blessed sands. His black ma'iyl whispered softly as he crossed one knee over the other and reclined more comfortably on the divan. He turned his gaze to the mural covering the upper-half of the opposite wall. He had already memorized all the tales of the great resurrection, he knew of the plague of Elioshi that the spiteful god had released upon his followers, he knew of the gifts of Sehalel when great Horash had turned his people away from that bitter god and ordained among them a new deity to worship.

He had even memorized the generally forbidden tales of the Yeter, those heretical worms who capricious Elioshi had spared from the plague. Seshmut gazed now on the beautiful carving of the great cavern around which the city of Haru-Nephesh was built, and the group of priests and nobles depicted standing at its entrance, he knew the tales of each one, even the foolish Amon-hur, the priest who had turned on Horash and become the first sacrifice to beautiful Sehalel.

The doors to the kings personal chamber swung open, two skeletal servants, their glistening bones scoured of any fleshly remains that may disparage their grim beauty, standing behind them, the gems that adorned the forheads and eyes of the creatures glinted softly in the lamplight. From between the doors stepped an imposing figure, taller than normal for a Neshilim, his head was shaved and bore the scarifications of the priesthood, the priest's spell which enraptured the minds of lesser beings.

The man stepped forward, entering the room with a slow and deadly grace that bespoke skill born of long decades of harsh practice. Then he bowed, though not low, the tails of his gray beged falling loosely below the blackened iron rings of his armor, the leather of his sword's scabbard rubbing against his leg. When he rose he gestured curtly toward the door with one hand, the other resting comfortably on the hilt at his waist. In a courteous tone he said “The king will see you now Serpent-Child Seshmut. If you would follow me.”

The statement was a command, couched in a silky, non-threatening voice, not a request and Seshmut rose immediately to join the man, though he suspected that it was not a man at all. Seshmut stared at the the guide's armored back as he walked behind him into the short hallway between the antechamber and the king’s private meeting rooms. “You are…well, aren’t you?” he whispered, his voice shaky, hesitant with fearful expectancy.

“Yes, I am.” There was a smile suggested in the man’s tone, a thin smile that spoke of indifferent yet absolute authority, “I am an immortal, one of the kings chosen few,” he looked back, a harsh glint in his one visible gray eye, his lip turned upward to reveal a single sharp tooth, “even the priesthood does well to fear us.”

Seshmut gulped involuntarily, “I…” he started, his voice quivering slightly, “I will remember that.”

The immortal faced forward again, though Seshmut could still see that single sharp tooth in his mind, and hear the smile in the immortal's voice as he replied, “Good, then all is as it should be.”

The short walk ended in a pair of elegant doors cut from some black wood that seemed to gulp in the hallways light, never to be released, Seshmut could barely make out patterns carved into the doors, they reminded him of the priest's spell, but more intricate, more elegant, more deliciously intriguing and they seemed to twist and move in the darkness of the doors themselves. Seshmut stared for a few moments, caught up in the patterns, then tore his eyes away to find his dreadful guide watching him intently. The man was smiling widely now, his sharp, white teeth fully revealed and the scent of old and rotten meat heavy upon his breath, Seshmut took a step back.

“Good,” the immortal's soft voice caressed his ears, “we eat those who are too caught up in the mysteries.” Then he opened the doors and allowed Seshmut to pass.

Seshmut trembled as he passed the immortal and entered the chamber beyond, it was small, but brightly lit with well appointed furnishings, the kind of luxury that only immense wealth or royalty could afford. Horash, reclining on a divan in the center of the room, had both. A low table of exotic wood, a rich and polished red, sat before him, ancient texts lain out upon it, along with a silver pitcher, from which rose the fruity smell of a sweet wine, and two silver cups. Black eyes transfixed him and Seshmut stopped just inside the doorway, he stood shivering under his king’s cold gaze. Then the eyes moved on and the king waved a careless hand at the divan opposite his, “Lay down, relax. This is simply an informal meeting.”

Seshmut walked slowly, cautiously to the divan and awkwardly reclined upon it as the king poured two glasses of the fruity wine and offered one to him. As Seshmut grasped the cup, and brought it gratefully to his lips, the king spoke, his soft voice seeming a thunderous retort in the still and fearful silence of the room. “I have followed your progress Seshmut, you are a good student, and will make a fine priest. But your teachers report that you are still hesitant in the sacrifices. Why is that?”

Seshmut stiffened further in his divan, he woodenly drew the cup from lips and licked them twice, then, staring steadfastly at the table, he replied, “It is not that I feel any sympathy for the lesser races my king, if that is what you think. But, the blood, it seems so…unclean.” As the last word left his wet and trembling lips he lifted his eyes to meet those of the king, another cold shiver causing him to spill a little wine on his robe.

The king smiled, lips spread wide enough to show his teeth, in mirth, “I see, the lesser races are unclean, which is why our god demands them in sacrifice. We are chosen Seshmut, we are the chosen of Sehalel, the people called by his name.” Horash paused at this, reaching down to casually flip open one of the books that sat, like patient scholars, waiting to share their knowledge, “You know the story of the first ritual. That right was the first, and last, time that Sehalel demanded his own people in sacrifice.” The king's eyes--deep, black pits whose depths Seshmut could not plumb--shot up to transfix Seshmut once again, his voice now harsh, hungry, for what Seshmut did not know, “The power of the blood fuels our rituals; it is the power that supports our empire. But to use such pure blood as our own would dishonor Sehalel.” The king smiled softly and his voice returned to its former tone, though now Seshmut could not decide whether the soft echo was more pleasing--or more disturbing, “The lesser races are nothing but food and fuel to us, even our cousins, the Yeter…no, especially our cousins, who denied the gifts of Sehalel and serve the thrice cursed . What better use have they?”

“I know my king,” Seshmut stumbled over his words in awkward hurry, “it is simply a…a compulsion, I feel the blood flow over my hands and a desperate need to be clean quickly follows it.” His eyes dropped down to the table again, his face reddening slightly, “I have no excuse.”

Horash nodded, silvery hair bobbing slightly with the movement, as he considered Seshmut's dilemma, “Even so, this compulsion is not something undefeatable,” He reassured the young priest. “I will speak with your instructors; they will help you through this. You have a great future Seshmut, I can see it in you, great things await you, things that will benefit this empire forever.”

Seshmut stared, he had no response to the king's rarely given praise. He lifted his shaking hand to take another long drink from the wine and wondered at the compliment, the silence grew heavy and he realized that the king was waiting for a reply, “I, um,” he faltered, not sure what to say, “I will try to live up to your expectations.”

The king smiled mirthfully again, then waved a dismissive hand, “You may go Seshmut, return to your duties and remember that Sehalel has given us dominion over the lesser races, they exist to serve us, unclean or not.”

Seshmut rose and walked out of the room, his guide returned to escort him, though he felt it no favor. As the doors closed behind them a tapestry at the back of the room was pushed aside and Abin'kor, head of the instructors at Keber-Shenephesh, stepped out of the passage hidden behind it. “Your orders my king?”

Horash drained his cup and then, without turning, said, “Involve him in more sacrifices, help him to make the transition. That one has much promise; I don’t want him lost to squeamishness.”

Abin'kor inclined his head, “As you command my king.”

The Burning One

I can see it in your faces, you do not understand. You do not know the might of Gabaimi'kuna, you do not know the hunger of the burning one. I have walked through fire, I have stood in the flame, I know...my flesh stands in testament to my knowledge.

Gabaimi'kuna is not like the others, he is not satisfied with knowledge, nor with tribute. He does not simply grant his blessings. The knowledge of Gabaimi'kuna is carved into your flesh, into you mind, into your heart...Kanai...would you even deign to look upon me now?

It matters not. The flesh is week, this is the secret knowledge of the burning one, the flesh is weak and must be purified by the flame for true strength to grow. Hear me people of the lands, I have seen among you much weakness, much corruption, much disgrace...it grieves me. So I invite you, come and let me show you the glories of Gabaimi'kuna, as I will show them to the Nokowo, as I will show them to Kanai, as I will show them to Jan.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I Must Have Misread the Directions...

So I’m supposed to say something here… wait… this doesn’t look right. No, this really, really doesn’t look right. Did I get turned around somehow? I must have misread the signs...weird...


Great, I’m in the wrong blog. That’s why this feels wrong. If I remember correctly, the good characters’ blog is friendly and welcoming and nice and that’s where I’m supposed to be. This one is all dark and angry and filled with people who want to kill other people. People like me.


How did I end up here?


Maybe I’m dreaming. Ha! That’s it! I’m just dreamwalking… in a blog. Though the evil blog is rather similar to the dreamworld. Filled with darkness, danger, and things that want to kill you.


I wonder if Kara made this happen. Evil Fae trying to force me to choose her side. Ridiculous. Well, it didn’t work, do you hear me? IT DIDN’T WORK!


I need to get out of here. Before someone notices that I’m in the wrong blog…


But, hey, I have a question for all of you magical, evil lords and ladies and… things… of darkness, at least while I’m here. I may never get another chance.


How many of you consider yourselves evil and how many of you think that you’re actually doing the right thing?


How many of you even care?


I’d just like to get an answer from you on what is going inside your scary, scary heads and why you feel so compelled to squash innocent folk like myself as you go about your evil business? I’m not doing anyone any harm, but does that matter?


Of course, if I was doing anyone any harm, I’d belong here, wouldn’t I?


Hey, is Alec here? Now, that would be funny… and it would make a lot of sense too.


Okay, I’m leaving. Something just blinked at me. Well, that makes sense. The evil one-eyed pitchfork from my nightmare is here. I’m sure it feels right at home. Farewell, pitchfork. Ha, you didn’t get me this time either!


And now it’s chasing me. Goodbye, evil people! I hope I never see you again!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Gwan Are Fools, but I Am Wise

The gwan never cease to irritate me. Fools! Idiotic, ill-favored wretches! Once again, I must resist my own desires and stay my hand. The desire to have done with it and slaughter the lot of them is so strong, but it is senseless. I must be stronger than my desire. I will be stronger. The pathetic little gwan girl and the filthy brat that she carries shall not change my perfect plans. I shall resist the urge, though it pricks upon my mind irritatingly, and I shall let her and them live. For now.

I do not know why the girl has survived. I do not know why she is of such interest to so many. Esmeria, the wisest of my race besides myself, has taken great pains with the girl -- why? What is so special about her? Why has Haden's son, Eric or whatever the boy's name is, married her? They never figured into my plans before, Haden's son or that girl, but they concern me now. Only a fool thinks their plan is infallible. The wise must be prudent, ever watching for potential risks.

I shall keep my eyes upon this fleeing pair. And I shall restrain my annoyance and my anger, until the proper time arises. I shall ignore the frailities of the gwan, in particular the weaknesses of their idiot king, and I shall bide my time.

My will shall not be circumvented.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sacrifice


Jan thinks he knows what sacrifice is...thinks he know what loss is...Jan is a fool.
He does not know sacrifice...lying in his tent in the midst of the camp, a beautiful wife by his side...Jan does not know loss or pain.
I walked through the fire, Jan did not!
I stood in the fire and offered my body to the flame!
I know what sacrifice is, I know what loss is!
All this I did for them, that we might have the strength...the power to survive, but do they see it?
NO!
No. No...they cast me out to the edge of the camp, look upon my broken frame with their pitying glares...the eyes of the worthless judging my value. What do any of them know of sacrifice...my power has saved them.
My power will save them again, but all they can see is a broken man. A malformed thing, and they recoil in fear...in disgust...I am their savior and they loathe me.
Jan they love, Jan they follow...what has he done...what has he given?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Puddle Demons: More Trouble Than They're Worth

I think that I may have mentioned puddle demons to you before- and my sadly unsuccessful attempt to sacrifice my vampire minion to one. I can't think of anything better to write about today, so I'm going to tell you the whole story.

It all started when I, um, acquired an ancient and very rare guide to minor demons. Most of them are fairly silly and not worth summoning, (Do you really need a tiny chaos demon who hides your socks when you're not looking? Does anyone?), but I became interested when I heard about the puddle demon. These little creatures haunt spills of water (and other liquids, I suppose) and the sorcerer who controls one can use it to spy on others from nearly anywhere. Many magic users are wary of mirrors, and keep them covered when not in use. They know that a skilled practitioner can use mirrors like windows to spy, but who would expect watchful eyes behind a puddle of water? I was elated!

There was the minor detail that summoning a puddle demon requires a sacrifice, in, you guessed it, a puddle. But I wasn't worried. I had a hapless assistant at hand, and a shallow ornamental pond in my overgrown backyard. It would be easy. I thought so, anyway.

I quickly took my unsuspecting sidekick outside and started the initial incantation. The smelly water in my pond began to glow and move. Little yellow eyes peered malevolently up from the depths, and I heard cackling and snarling. I pushed Mort in. He disappeared, and the pond went dark. For a minute, nothing happened. Then, with a hiss of rage, the pond spit Mort back out. The little eyes were back, glittering even brighter with fury. Apparently, if a sacrifice is already dead, it doesn't count.

The puddle demons and I preceded to have a long argument over the differences between "undead" and "really dead." The outcome was that they would agree to occasionally work for me, but only if they felt like it. And that they would voluntarily summon themselves to my house whenever they wanted. All in all, it was one of my most annoying failed experiments.

The end result of all this is that puddle demons regularly haunt my house. Spill a glass of blood in the kitchen, and in a few minutes you'll find it scooting down the hall, accompanied by the sound of tiny laughter. Pools of extract of gecko usually end up in the dining room, while snake tears can usually be found on the bathroom floor. Don't ask me why. I honestly don't know if there's a method to the madness.

Mort still doesn't know that I was trying to sacrifice him. He thinks I was trying to give him a bath.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Fun with Numbers

Oooh, I had such fun yesterday! Hee hee, I spent the whole day playing with the stock market. I cast a nice little enchantment on it that made the numbers go up and down, up and down, up and down. Do you know what the numbers did next? Hee hee, they went up and down again!

Oh the chaos! The panic! One terrified investor actually leapt out of his office window! I don't go in for that murder stuff (waste of perfectly good humans), so I made sure to give him something soft to land in: a truck carrying a load of manure! It sure confused the driver, since he was out in the boonies one minute and in a city the next. Poor fella dropped his big cigar right into his lap! Guess he and the Mrs. won't be having any more wee ones in the future . . . hmm, maybe I'll surprise them with a baby on their doorstep. Sometimes I sneak into foundling homes and steal little infant mess-makers, then leave them on the doorsteps of deserving folks. Surprised? Well, I figure babies are off-limits for my fun. I mean, the little things can't really fight back or do much more than eat, cry, and leak lots of disgusting stuff. I give 'em a break when I can; you know, do my bit for charity. See, I'm not always bad! There are many, many sides to my nature . . .

Well anyhow, that's not all the merrywiggling fun from yesterday. When the numbers were going up and down and all that, a whole bunch of spectacled, buck-toothed mathematicians and surly, fat businessmen were scratching their heads and just about going mad trying to figure out what was going on. I figured things weren't quite zinglezangy enough, so I let loose a dozen over-fed pigeons in the stock exchange. Of course, all the noise and chaos made the birds real nervous. Anyone know what pigeons do when they're nervous? Yup, you guessed it! All over the hoards of people standing around anxiously watching the numbers do their dance! Hee hee hee! Gee golly willackers, what a lot of fun!

I wonder why they call this a Depression. I'm sure not depressed!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Uaithne Speaks Up


In an attempt to clear some things up, I've decided to answer a few questions.


What is your name?
Uaithne. In English, it's pronounced "Whawn Yay" with emphasis on the first syllable. If you still can't pronounce it, you're an idiot.


Appearance:
In terms you can understand...
I'm a little over six feet tall. Hazel-green eyes. Grey beard. Scruffy, black and greying hair with a bit of a receeding hair line.
On me, it looks distinguished.
I usually wear a non-descript greyish-tan robe, a faded black cloak, and carry a staff.

Family:
I was a bastard. My mother was stoned as soon as I was born, and I was left on a mound of rocks to die or be taken by whatever animals chanced upon me. A young hermit (no, not all hermits are old) who was passing by on a journey took me back with him and raised me (with the help of a woman from a nearby village).


Favorite Possession? Why?
My staff. It's made of four trees (oak, poplar, yew, ash) that were braided together when they were very young. When they had grown completely together, it was cut and given to me. Through it can be wielded great magics, and through those magics, my will.


Occupation?
Kingmaker. No, I am not a puppeteer. I decide which person would make the best king, and put him in that position. I leave the King alone to do what he needs to do. Later on, if I find someone I think would do a better job, I replace the previous king. Yes...The previous king dies. So what? The main thing is, what I think is best is done. I'm the only one truly capable enough to make these big decisions, because I know things others don't. I can travel across the edge of the circle to other circles, and across them to others. From a shadow's shadow to the thing making the shadow.


So, why aren't you king?
I do not make myself king because I have more important things to do. Oh...You think I only make kings for one country? Ha! I make rulers for many worlds, and many countries in each world. You small minded beings make me ill.


Hobbies?
Potions and other magical, though dryer, mixtures come in handy. I also find myself more and more fascinated by your world's game of "chess." It seems a good, though not very strenuous, mental exercise. ...Perhaps I'll introduce the newest king to our world's game of pwnitt.


Are you evil?
No. I want what truly is the best for everyone. I always know what should be done, and I always get what I want, though not always easily. I am willing to do what needs to be done to attain what needs to be attained.


Who is/are your closest friend/s?
I cannot afford friends. Friendship is costly, and it could enable someone to get the better of me if I truly loved anyone. That is why I made the great personal sacrifice of killing Cwryc (the hermit who raised me). It was in my best interest, and therefore in the best interest of all.


What is your deepest wish?
I wish you people would learn to pronounce my name correctly (even though it seems a bit petty, it's important to know the name of the man who will one day place rulers over you).


World View?
Uaithne knows best. Deal with it.


What is your favorite food?
Roast beef and "funnel cakes."


What do you dislike most of all?
Whiny people who don't have enough gumption to go after what they want.


What types of books do you like to read?
I only read signs, labels, instructional books and such. I don't feel a compulsion to live vicariously through anyone else. So why waste the time and energy on fiction?


Ideal place to live?
Large castle in an easily defensible position. Lots of tapestries and carpets...and fireplaces.


Four completely random facts:

1.) I have an amazing talent with fire (among other things).
2.) I was once in love with a woman...so I had to kill her.
3.) I intend to live for at least two hundred more of your world's years.
4.) I hate teenagers from your world...even though I chose one to be a king. The lad's a lack-wit.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Selling of Souls

It always cracks me up when I see someone's soul for sale on ebay, or an amazon (I saw one the other day). Really, people have no idea what they're giving up, I always buy them whenever I can. A real human soul for five dollars, who can pass up that deal.
I remember the first soul I bought offline, not the first soul I've ever gotten my hands on by far, but it's so much easier now. It belonged to some guy in Detroit, I think his name was Michael, or Mickey, something with an M anyway. I bought his soul off of ebay for five dollars and twenty cents and he sent me this 'slip of ownership' with his name and everything on it. Anyway, I was in the process of making a golem out of the bones of a dragon I killed and I needed something to hold it all together. Now I'm pretty good at making magical contrivances to hold things together, ghosts, golems, vampires, etc, but I figured if I was going to make a decent golem out of a dragon I should have the real thing to model after.
So, as soon as I got his soul I started tearing it apart (taking copious notes on the way it worked of course, not that you can really figure out how souls work or copy the process, but I think I came pretty close with this one). Pretty sure poor old Mikey...or Mickey, died soon after I started ripping into his soul because I was only halfway done when the thing up and disappeared. I suppose it went wherever souls go when people die, I had to buy two more souls before I got my research done and managed to make something stable and complex enough to hold my dragon golem together.
It's a good thing so many people out there are selling the things or I might never have finished.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The So-Called Allure of Vampires

Something in one of the other posts reminded me about something that annoys me greatly. Vampires.

I hate vampires. While I don't generally have a problem with the dead, I don't think that they should be walking around and biting people. (I don't like zombies either). They should stay in their coffins where they belong. I admit, I DO have a vampire sidekick/fall guy/minion. This hasn't changed my mind on the matter, though. In fact, every time I trip over Mort's corpse in the hallway during the day, or he drinks the blood I'm trying to keep for my potions, I seriously consider putting him right back in the coffin.

" But," some people tell me, "vampires are cool! They're strong, and fast, and have fangs! And some sort of mysterious sex appeal!" Bullcrap. Yes, they're strong, fast, fangy corpses. This is sort of undermined by the fact that they burn in the sunlight, and often have severe reactions to garlic, silver and being stabbed with wooden stakes. Werewolves are also strong, fast, and have fangs, but they are much less vulnerable. (I don't like werewolves either, but the dog-breaths are a rant for another day.) And the so-called "sex appeal" of vampires? Please. If you think that corpses are sexy, well, there's a name for that. And you should probably see a therapist. (If I am telling you that you need to see a therapist, you really need to see a therapist.)

If anyone is wondering if my vampire lackwit lackey will read this- don't worry. He can't read anything that's more difficult than "See Spot run."

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Rights of Gods

I am Korluus, the Emerging, the Keeper of Relois.

Abin-Thul does not understand the god of Relois, but he is wise enough to understand the most important aspect of exercising power: the ultimate utility of good and evil. Still, he does not seem to grasp the fact that once we have ascended to a certain level of evolutionary progress, those words lose all meaning. I do not glory in evil. I transcend it.

“Good” is simply a rationalization that the weak use to justify their existence, and “evil” is nothing more than the weak whining about their failure to become strong. In this world, dominated as it is by the all pervasive forces of evolution, there are simply those who are moving forward towards perfection and those who are not. This is simply an objective observation and the moral consequences of it are absolute.

The weak, who are in reality nothing more than chaff tossed up in the evolutionary wake of the strong, are of no practical moral consequence in and of themselves. They will simply be consumed by the evolving universe. What is done with them is, perhaps, of more significance. After all, in the pursuit of perfection efficiency is paramount, and nothing must go to waste. If we fail to properly consume the weak and exploit what little usefulness each of them may possess, we are in fact sinning against the universal law.

From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. The pursuit of perfection leaves the strong ravenously hungry.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Joys of New Friends

So, I was trying to get Atticus to join the dark blog, but he's being a jerk and won't. So, I had one of my little minions kidnap a decent kid who works for him and torture him until he wrote a brief biography. I'll get around to making him join eventually but this was more fun for the moment. Anyway, here's what he wrote. You know, I thought this blogging thing might be boring, but it's actually pretty fun.

So a friend of mine asked me to post on this blog...well...not really a friend...more like a crazy schizo who threatened to kill me if I didn't. He name is Finnias and I think he posts here. He knows my teacher, Carlos...he's a vampire, and now, uh, well here I am. I guess I should probably introduce myself.

Ok, so, my name is Ivan Arkanov, my grandparents were Russian...I'm not Russian, I grew up in New England, but my grandparents were Russian. My dad moved us down to Virgina when I was sixteen and I went to college at UVA, well...I started college at UVA...then I failed out and wound up at a community college. It's not that I'm not smart...more that I just didn't care. Anyway college never was gonna do me much good, I've picked a somewhat...non-traditional career path. I'm a necromancer.

Well, not really a necromancer, technically Carlos says I'm a Mors Sagire which translates to something like 'Seeker of Death' which is crap because I'm not seeking death at all, just the opposite, I want eternal life. My parents are baptists...we don't really talk anymore. Anyway, I'm a necromancer for the moment no matter what Carlos says, Carlos is a vampire who happens to know a good bit of magic, he's teaching me right now. I don't know how he knows Finnias but he does and apparently posting on this blog is part of the price for my lessons. That, some general grunt work, and regular blood donations. Don't worry, I don't let Carlos bite me, I'm not stupid, I draw the blood myself and bring it in mason jars.

Now I know what you all are thinking, why isn't this guy on the bad guy's blog, posting with all the villains and plotting to take over the world?

Well, I'm not on the bad guys blog because I'm not a bad guy, I just don't want to die. No plans for world conquest here, none whatsoever. Right now I pay for my life by hiring myself out as a necromancer, someone what's to say goodbye to poor uncle Dave, or talk to dear old daddy again and they come to me. I'll raise their spirits for a nominal fee...ok, a substantial fee, and give you time to say your whatevers. Most of my business is skeptical old ladies who want to see if I can really do what I say I can and grief stricken spouses.

Sometimes someone more interesting shoots me an email, I had this one guy who wanted me to raise his father's spirit so he could tell the guy off for being a drunk. Paid me three grand to do it...hey, don't ask me, it was good money for easy work. I had another lady who wanted to find out where her great aunt stashed her jewelry before she died. That was a pretty hilarious conversation...nothing quite like a ghost who's pretending to still be senile.

Anyway, I guess that's me in a nutshell, not-Russian Russian, grew up baptist and now firmly agnostic, college dropout, necromancer, and entrepreneur. I'm kinda-sorta dating this girl that works at Walmart, she's really cute and sweet as anything. She hired me to raise her mom so they could say goodbye and it kind of just...took off from there.

So, Patty, if you read this I mentioned you, you're great and I can't wait until we go out again.

Heh, heheh, this is Finnias again. I just read this, Carlos emailed it to me, I'm going to have to find out who this Patty is. Sounds like she could be a lot of fun.

How the Man Infuriates Me!

I am greatly displeased at present. Haden is being infuriating, and I cannot poison or otherwise dispose of the idiot king yet because he is still too useful to me. Oh, the frustration! I cannot recall ever having such trouble with a gwan. My plans are glorious, complex, and deliciously subtle, yet they are continually slowed owing to my necessary dependance on Haden for carrying out the essential formative details. I cannot use another gwan, as my need is for a Glemarian king. Haden seemed an ideal pawn for my requisite tasks at first, but now I am not so certain.

It is infuriating to have placed myself in such a ridiculous position, actually allowing such an essential part of my magnificent plan to depend upon a foolish gwan. Yet that in itself was the most ingenious part of the strategy, to let it be a gwan who ultimately enslaved their miserable race under me. I recall how I laughed aloud in delight when it occurred to me so many years ago. It took decades of skillful, cautious work to build the entire framework in which to enact my scheme, then even more time to place the necessary pawns in the proper places. So much effort, so many carefully thought out details . . . oh, how my blood boils within me when I look upon that pathetic, contemptible man's face, kiss his flaccid, clammy lips, allow his corpulent, sweating body to press against my own . . . I shudder at all that I endure for my plan, my glorious, resplendent lifelong aspiration!

The only thought that carries me through my horrid nights of Haden's vapid bedroom performances is that of his demise. How I shall torment and agonize that man when at last I require him no longer! It will not be a quick end, devoid of the satisfaction I so richly deserve. It shall be miserable, seemingly unending . . . how succulent and exquisite the very thought is to me! It is as a rich chocolate that I savor against my tongue, a dream that I clutch to my bosom. I shall enjoy Haden's death more than any other I have brought about; I know that it shall become my most cherished of memories.

My anger has abated somewhat now, as I turn over in my mind the delightful images of Haden's amply proportioned form writhing in depths of untold agony. I shall sleep well tonight.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

New Friends...Sort Of

Heh, well, maybe I can't get Atticus to post but I got someone to post. He's a little &$^# named Ivan, I had to post for him actually, he's over in the other blog though. I'm not sure what Carlos sees in that kid, no backbone at all, but then Carlos is an idiot so I guess I can't expect too much more. I read the punk's post on the good guy's blog. It's not like I care what Carlos does with his time, but seriously, I can't believe he took this kid on as an apprentice. I think I need to have a talk with him about the wisdom of his decisions. This kid sounds like a little too much of a straight arrow, trying to use magic to help people. Magic isn't for helping people, it's for making them obey you. Carlos says the kids pretty good, but I'm not seeing much with any kind of value here.
Maybe there's a way to find out...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Subtlety With the Ones You Loathe

Hello all,
I was working on a new inscription design for an Automated Life Extraction Centrifuge (for convenience, you see- battlefields can be hectic, and I'd like a simple solution for my energy needs) and it occurred to me to address the nature of my realm- that of the 9 worlds of Midgard. I myself once dwelt in the land of the Aesir, the gods of these worlds. My brother, Odin (the All-Father, Wise One, etc. etc.- he likes titles) rules the place, having set up a huge hall for himself and the other gods there to drink and argue and whatnot. They all hate me by now (not that they were ever very fond of me, mind you), and that doesn't bother me much. I never really fit in with that bunch. There wasn't much for me to live for there- I can thank dear brother Odin for that I suppose, and for my current lucidity of purpose. Perhaps I should tell you what happened, exactly...

Odin had a son, hansom and powerful Balder. His mother, Frigg, procured and oath from all things (not sure how she did it, but I believe it involved conference with all of the most powerful elementals of the 9 worlds). The host of the Aesir were gathered one day, throwing anything they could find at the kid- a good time was had by all (except me), and I was sick of it. I tricked blind Hod (lovably stupid and gullible as he is) to throw a spear at Balder, which just so happened to be made of mistletoe, which apparently was his only weakness (honestly, what a stupid thing to overlook, Frigg-), which stuck him right in the gut, ending the obnoxious little dandy right before everyone's eyes. So, understandably I admit, Odin was upset. I went to far on that one- and it cost me everything... my wife, my home, and hundreds of years to pain, but I gained clarity and insight. Surely, I consider myself better off in most regards, but this is a great example of a career-defining mistake- anyone else out there have one of those?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Humdinger of a Day

Today was such a humdinger, red-letter day! Heehee, oh the things I did! The fun I had! Haven't had a day this rackinslappy swell since back in the Great War, when I tricked that whole English town into thinking the Germans had invaded. But today, oh today was a triumph of jimjangery brilliance. I worked like gangbusters to get all my plans done, and the results were worth it.

What did I do that was so spectacular? Well sir, I used my little grey cells! I invented a wonderful new adhesive last week, and today I decided to test it a bit. I made a whole batch of it disguised as lipsticks, then just sorta magically replaced the lipsticks in all the local drugstores with my new product. Heeheehee, oh it was marvelous! You should have seen all those happy couples spooning in the park, then finding out that they couldn't come apart after a bit. One fella that I was watching had to take his girl home in that condition, glued to him (quite literally). Her old man got out his hatchet to get them apart, which gave the fella strength enough to pull free. Golly could that fella run! Made it all the way from thirty-first street into the eighties before he stopped for breath, then being the neighborhood that that area is, the fella wound up in even worse trouble.

I also used some of my new adhesive at the big secretarial school just down the street (required a bit of magic to do it, and was well worth the effort). Should have seen all those pretty young things running about with typewriters stuck to their fingers. Heavens to betsy, did they squack! Could hear the commotion clear inside Mr. Windon's office, and believe me, the old man did not appreciate the ruckus. He's a bit crankier than usual, what with his daughter disappearing and all. Had me scratching my head for hours pretending to think up ways to get her back, when the whole time I was really plotting some fun for the cleaning ladies.

Oh yes, I got the cleaning ladies, too. Added some of my adhesive to their mop water. Didn't that make a himshingle of a mess! All those old broads fighting with their mops and cursing left and right -- a sailor would've felt right at home, believe you me. And then of course, since I happened to have some extra sneezing ointment left from a bit of fun last month, I figured that that chaotic scene was the perfect place to use it. I had earlier had the presence of mind to rub a heaping helping of it onto all the broom and mop handles. Heeheehee, it was better than when I stir up pollen during allergy season. One really fat old broad sneezed so hard she burst out of her girdle with a nice loud bang.

Of course, that's not all I did today. I bewitched a couple dozen radios to lecture their owners about messy houses, played around with all of the train timetables so they were off by anywhere from three to forty minutes, and put a curse on a factory that makes children's toys so that all of their quacking toy ducks will not stop quacking once wound up. Ever.

I'll be having some sweet dreams of this day for many nights to come!


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Obsession With Evil

I have noted, as I believe I have stated before, a disturbing obsession with evil, wickedness, and villainy on this blog. This ranges from the inane and sometimes unintelligible posts by this Finnias Ghall to the thought out and articulate posts of Alicia Fenn and Korluus. However, no matter whom the poster (with the single exception of the mysterious Lantern Hollow) the obsession with evil remains the same.

I am posting today in an attempt to stem this tide of salivatory excitement over such ignoble deeds. Though Korluus seems the best of you, at least his desire is perfection and he sees the legality of his means, even he seems to see himself as wicked and glory in it. This is foolishness, if a thing is evil then there is no point in pursuing it, rather make what you do into that which is good.

These are merely terms which we use to describe action after all, if something that must be done is deemed as evil then change the peoples perception of it, make it good in their eyes and good it will be. There is no need to revel in wickedness when all that we desire may be seen as a positive influence. Among the people who became my children, the Longminjong, I was once considered a wicked spirit of the mountains. An evil god who only came down from his high peaks to torment and persecute them.

This was, of course, before I took them under my wings and showed the power and gifts I could bless them with. Now my priests lead the people in worship, collecting offerings and leading rituals. They work magics which I have given them and use them to bless my people, to drive away wicked spirits, avert disasters, and encourage healthy crops, and healthy children. My people are greatly blessed because of me and they are happy to pay the taxes and offerings which I demand. Why you ask?

Because I do not laud myself with notions of evil or comfort myself with hopes of power to come. Because I bless them and guide them to a better life under my authority. Because I have given them a purpose and a peace, I have destroyed those that would threaten them and ruled them with my own harsh word. So they serve gladly.

It is my hope that I will be able to convert all of you to my understanding, that you may see the light and seek after that which is good and right, and that you may obtain the blessings of your gods.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I Admit It.... I Really Don't Understand Women

Well. The reason all of us “evil” beings are on here is to give each other advice, right? Up until this point, I haven’t really felt that I needed any. I know how to kill, how to work sorcery, and how to blow things up for the heck of it. And I’m not really interested in you manipulative, and/or delusional god types.

But now I’ve found something that I really don’t know how to do. As much as it pains me to say it. I need advice on giving a woman a gift.

Now, I just want to be clear that this is a very difficult woman we’re talking about. If she weren’t, I’d have no problem. But for some reason she isn’t interested in C-4, or custom hexes, or a demon familiar. I even offered her my best automatic grenade launcher, and she just laughed and patted me on the head! Me!

She really is a fascinating creature, with a startling and very attractive aptitude for violence, and I want to give her something that she’ll really like. But I’m kind of at a loss here.

Any suggestions?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

The Pursuit of Perfection

I am Korluus, the Emerging, the Keeper of Relois.

I spoke recently of how power is useless without something to focus it upon. I have found that there is but one goal worthy of my own attention, and that is self-perfection.

I am from the greatest generation of Relois, the generation that discovered the highest truth and the ultimate end to existence—the evolution of humanity to perfection, to godhood itself. We learned of the great, progressive forces of the universe and how they drive us onward, ever onward to higher achievement.

I was foremost of that generation, because it was I who understood that if this force existed, it must mean that it was we who defined our gods—our gods did not define us. More importantly, if all of Relois could be brought to focus on the improvement of one of us, that one might in fact become deity itself. He could then raise the rest, the whole of Relois, and make of them a race of gods: creatures whose power and domination knew no bounds. More importantly, I knew that it must be myself who would bear this burden.

My fellow researchers did not understand this or see the issues with the same clarity. I tried to convince them that in the absence of an absolute moral standard, there could be no reason why we should not seize the creative power of the evolutionary process and use it to create new and better life. If there was no preset morality, then we can simply dictate our own form of virtue. If there were some sacrifices that must be made, so long as they came from the unenlightened rabble, why did it matter? What claim had they on life that we could not revoke?

My colleagues were not convinced with words. I had to resort to…other means…but they were convinced in the end.

And so my emergence began and continues. I am Korluus. I am becoming a god.

For an even more EVIL experience, download the podcast by clicking here!

Friday, September 17, 2010

My Life as the God of Chaos: A Success Story

Fellow villains and villaneses, conquerers and tyrants- how's it going?

I consider myself an expert of all things diabolical (after all, I have been at it for quite a while now), and so I'd like to take this time to offer some advice on a problem I'm sure is common to all here: meddlesome heros. Having a few good eggs here and there stirring up the pot is not always a terrible thing, of course- it can be quite fun to throw them into hopeless situations, just to see what they do- however, in my vast experience this is always a very delicate balancing act.

Be wary of the singular warrior of humble beginnings- many of the forces of good favor these, and so they may use them to orchestrate your downfall. Never underestimate your opponent, and always go for the kill. My brother's biggest mistake in his vengeance against me was allowing for the possibility that I might escape. Granted, the Norns foresaw that I would fight in the final battle, and so he could not have hoped to end me completely- but had Odin been even a little more clever about it, he might have eliminated me as a threat to his power until that fated day. This is a lesson to be learned, brothers and sisters: give not the vermin even an inkling of a chance.

Questions, comments, and snide remarks are welcome, as always. Please, let me know your process and methods, I'm sure we would all be grateful for the tips.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Pesky Piskie Fun


I may have mentioned it before, but what comes first with me is fun. Good, underhanded, dirty, rotten, sneaky fun.

You know what's really fun? Yanking the last few pages out of novels at the public library. Or sometimes, I yank a few from the beginning or middle. Hee hee, never gets old! Golly do they get angry! I remember one old man once got so peeved by the time he got to the third novel I'd "altered" a bit, he slammed the book down on a desk, broke the spine of it clean in half, then broke his own glasses in half too, for good measure. Next thing, he stormed out, looking like he'd just had the toilet shatter under him in the men's room -- oh wait, that did happen to him just before he left the library, come to think of it. That was another really good prank I thought up. Messy, but very effective.

Prohibition was loads of fun, too. Golly, I miss it. The folks would all buy from bootleggers or pour into the speakeasies, and I'd just randomly change the liqueur for my own special brews. Soap and vinegar in one bottle, fruit juice and turpentine in another, once in a while even some pickle juice mixed with rancid swamp water and grape juice. One little wave of the finger and my brews traded places with the bootleg brews. Oh, the folks got swaffled all right, but not the way they intended! Jeepers do I miss those days! Too bad ole Roosevelt had to get elected and spoil my fun.


Sometimes when I'm bored, I go to the supermarket and use my magic to change the labels on canned goods. You know, make the people think they're getting green beans, when really its sauerkraut or stewed prunes. Hee hee hee, makes me tear up from laughing just to remember the times I've seen a hefty housewife come storming back into the store, excess upper arm skin swinging away, and threaten the poor scrawny old grocer within an inch of his life . . . and all because of little ole me! Ah, that's the life!

Today I had a bit of fun at work. See, the old man's pretty little secretary, Anne Something-or-other (I'm lousy with names) has this fella she goes around with. Not nearly good enough for her, of course, but she's a working girl so she keeps her standards low. Well this fella sent her some flowers today, and it just set her off, smiling and constantly having to smell the things. It occurred to me that a bit of hay fever would liven things up, but then I got the real lightbulb. Conjured up a few bees, stuck 'em in a few of the flowers, and then made 'em a little cranky while Anne was in the powder room. Galloping gallbladders, you never saw a woman shriek the way she did when she took a few healthy sniffs and got two nostrils full of bumblebees! Turned the whole office upside down; I had to dig my thumbnails into my sides just to keep a straight face. Course the old man was put out, but I fixed him. Spiked his coffee with something a little more cheerful than milk, and pretty soon the old man was just as happy as the devil at a law school. Kept whistling as he worked; I swear I saw the old man skip on his way to the elevator at the end of the day.

Well sir, time for me to be hitting the hay. When I get too little sleep, I get sloppy. Didn't turn out too well for the dame what runs the bakery down the street. Ah well, at least the hair only grows in places where she can shave it off.