My Humdinger of a Day

Today was such a humdinger, red-letter day! Heehee, oh the things I did! The fun I had! Haven't had a day this rackinslappy swell since back in the Great War, when I tricked that whole English town into thinking the Germans had invaded. But today, oh today was a triumph of jimjangery brilliance. I worked like gangbusters to get all my plans done, and the results were worth it.

What did I do that was so spectacular? Well sir, I used my little grey cells! I invented a wonderful new adhesive last week, and today I decided to test it a bit. I made a whole batch of it disguised as lipsticks, then just sorta magically replaced the lipsticks in all the local drugstores with my new product. Heeheehee, oh it was marvelous! You should have seen all those happy couples spooning in the park, then finding out that they couldn't come apart after a bit. One fella that I was watching had to take his girl home in that condition, glued to him (quite literally). Her old man got out his hatchet to get them apart, which gave the fella strength enough to pull free. Golly could that fella run! Made it all the way from thirty-first street into the eighties before he stopped for breath, then being the neighborhood that that area is, the fella wound up in even worse trouble.

I also used some of my new adhesive at the big secretarial school just down the street (required a bit of magic to do it, and was well worth the effort). Should have seen all those pretty young things running about with typewriters stuck to their fingers. Heavens to betsy, did they squack! Could hear the commotion clear inside Mr. Windon's office, and believe me, the old man did not appreciate the ruckus. He's a bit crankier than usual, what with his daughter disappearing and all. Had me scratching my head for hours pretending to think up ways to get her back, when the whole time I was really plotting some fun for the cleaning ladies.

Oh yes, I got the cleaning ladies, too. Added some of my adhesive to their mop water. Didn't that make a himshingle of a mess! All those old broads fighting with their mops and cursing left and right -- a sailor would've felt right at home, believe you me. And then of course, since I happened to have some extra sneezing ointment left from a bit of fun last month, I figured that that chaotic scene was the perfect place to use it. I had earlier had the presence of mind to rub a heaping helping of it onto all the broom and mop handles. Heeheehee, it was better than when I stir up pollen during allergy season. One really fat old broad sneezed so hard she burst out of her girdle with a nice loud bang.

Of course, that's not all I did today. I bewitched a couple dozen radios to lecture their owners about messy houses, played around with all of the train timetables so they were off by anywhere from three to forty minutes, and put a curse on a factory that makes children's toys so that all of their quacking toy ducks will not stop quacking once wound up. Ever.

I'll be having some sweet dreams of this day for many nights to come!